Foolish Prints

Sometimes I envision things before I do them, imagine they go poorly, and then manipulate the situation so that the scene I saw earlier actually becomes my direct reality. This morning I saw myself accidentally spilling too much sugar on my cereal. Yet when I did turn the shaker upside down, the perfect amount sprinkled the surface. Consequently, I chose not to stop there. For some odd reason (one I am exploring right now), I continued to pour until I had a mountain of sugar atop the small pile of grainy flakes and a mess to clean up. The scene of disorder on the counter was an exact replica of the picture I had seen in my mind only moments before. It is as though I actually needed the original outcome to occur, but by deliberate force rather than accident. While writing in my journal earlier, I found myself unsure about whether I needed a comma or a semicolon after a particular phrase so I left it at a comma. I went back to place a dot above the mark, but found my pen unable to manage the task. Still unsure about my decision, I should have just left the punctuation alone, but I continued pressing and dotting until the black spot appeared. A simple demonstration of my indecision, and then my natural inclination to push limits. This is how I end up in foolish positions. I say to myself, “It would really suck if I got my shoes wet,” yet I am not satisfied to move away from the lapping waves until one has licked my feet, leaving my shoes squishy and uncomfortable. I somehow need to test the universe, makes sure I am not beyond any natural laws, and consequently, walk away feeling like an idiot because I just could not force myself to withdraw my feet in time. My fears. My uneasiness. They have to prove true before I am able to move forward. Am I alone in this, or do others experience moments like this as well? I mean, I know for a fact that if I hold the button down long enough, the soda will overflow my plastic cup and spill down the sides. But this does not keep me from, every once in awhile, resisting the reflex to stop on time and indulge in the brimming cup. I have to make the overflow happen, only to prove true something I already know. The outside of my cup is sticky as a result—maybe to remind me that I am ridiculous for messing up on purpose. I often wonder if this is some sort of disorder or if everyone else finds themselves casually experiencing these things as well?

Of course I do find the strength to overcome these bizarre, seemingly “natural” responses when I know it could be dangerous. I see myself falling down the stairs, slipping on the treadmill, or accidentally stepping in front of a car and getting smashed to pieces. I manage to resist the temptation to make these types of “premonitions” come true. In fact, I usually treat these as superstitions and proceed with caution. It can never hurt to play it safe, right?

I guess I just wonder why I seem to have the subconscious desire to test the trivial things, attempt to control my immediate future, and end up feeling like a fool. Any thoughts?