Unnecessary Resentment: Links in the Chain of Constant Happenings

(Dug this up from awhile ago.)

They say that one decision can change your life. One choice affects the next one, which proceeds to control the next and so forth. All conscious, even the subconscious, choices we make seem to be interconnected, linked to one another and guiding our direction. Who can judge if there are certain things that which would have happened regardless of which door we decided to take that morning? Person A is hit and killed by a bus seemingly because he was running late that morning, waiting for the hot water to turn back on in his apartment so he could shower. Person B was the maintenance man in charge of fixing the water pipes. Person C was the nice, older lady living across the hall from Person A. She had gone for weeks enduring colder showers but finally decided to voice a complaint to the landlord one day previous. The landlord, Person D, called it in immediately because he was working hard to be the best property manager he could be. So what if the bus ran late that day or Person A decided to skip his hygienic routine and head to work on time rather than waiting? What if Person B was late? What if… It seems that if just one thing was different, Person A might still be alive. Yet all of these choices are strung together, and I doubt the action-reaction order of the world would be impossible to trace back to an original source. And I suppose it keeps on traveling. The bus accident delayed the entire bus schedule for that route, leaving Person E alone with Person F at the stop. They ended up talking for hours, dated a couple of years, wound up getting married and now live somewhere along the coast in Washington. Two things can be said; the first being that maybe the bus accident needed to happen and that this was a part of the large string of events that link people and circumstances together. The second thing is that we cannot determine what the outcome would be if one small event happened or did not. Remove one link from the chain and Person A still may have died that day, maybe in a different way, and maybe Person E and Person F would have missed their opportunity for meeting. Or perhaps they would have bumped into each other accidentally at a used bookstore that following week. Who knows? What if…? Maybe this is all just starting to resemble Stranger Than Fiction or an episode of Six Feet Under, but I simply cannot avoid these questions.

Do I believe there is a divine order to things? When I examine those things that I have labeled as “mistakes,” I often wonder how many other people they have affected, and in what ways. Was my mistake actually for the benefit of someone else? Or do I consider it a mistake because it has reinforced a chain of bad decisions in others? I suppose that either way I decide to look at it, I will always end up drowning in self-pity or seeking to console myself with some lame justification. Is this the nature of humanity or is it a habitual mindset I have developed on my own?

Returning to the United States was a difficult process for me, and continues to be, even though it has been three months since I came back. Of course I was only gone for a grand total of four months, which means my time spent away obviously had an extremely large impact on my life, and I cannot even begin to adequately explain what Ireland meant for me. My life had reached a standstill. I was bored with school, too comfortable with the everyday stresses of my job, and although I had a great group of friends, there were a few relationships I needed to escape from. I started filling out the forms a semester in advance and proceeded to make it to the required meetings and pay the subsequent fees, just in case I decided to actually take the plunge. Before I knew it, I had put in my two weeks notice, finished out my lease, and surrendered both my cell phone and my car. My parents gifted me luggage for my summer birthday and I was all set to fly out on the nineteenth day of August. Of course the first month took forever, and then after that, I was shocked at how quickly the time flew. I developed a routine and started to fit snugly into the position of “resident” rather than “tourist.” In what seemed like minutes, it was time for me to return home. I contracted bronchitis on the plane ride to Chicago, maybe from the stress and lack of quality sleep. I had been replaced at my job by someone else and ended up making last minute living arrangements with a somewhat random acquaintance. The euro had swallowed most of the dollars in my bank account, and I had to face a broken heart. I’m still struggling financially. I’ve severed a once toxic relationship and am recovering from the emotional toll it took on me. I’m on to my second job in three months and have had to ask for help on numerous occasions because I just can’t seem to keep up with the bills. In one sense, every part of me wants to return to Ireland where I was seemingly carefree, significantly less stressed. The other approach to my current circumstance causes me deep feelings of regret and resentment. Why was I so unsatisfied with my status beforehand? Why did I take my situation for granted and insist on giving it all up? The anxiety I feel now in some ways makes Ireland feel like a waste of time. When I allow stress to get the best of me, Ireland’s beauty begins to pale in my mind. I cry when I look at my present state because it is painful to live paycheck-to-paycheck and wonder if I will make it to the end of the next month. I cry because it feels as though my life will forever be dictated by anxiety. I cry because I miss the freedom I felt in Ireland, and as much as I sometimes wish I had never gone, I know my heart will always desire to go back…

So what if I had not gone? What if I was still working at Starbucks and had no knowledge of Café Depeche, the independently owned espresso joint I volunteered at while over there? Would I have discovered that my dream for life is to open a shop of my own? And what if I had not given him the opportunity to betray my trust while I was overseas? Would I have ended up in a relationship that would only result in disappointment years down the road? Who’s to say that I would not have experienced financial hardship even I would have kept my job in Cedar Falls? I begin to feel defeated, but have friends and family to remind me that worry is worthless and that hope is something I need to pursue. Though I was independent before Ireland, I am daily learning how to become interdependent with others. I am experiencing the value in asking for help. I made a list of all the things I had missed out on while studying abroad. Henry’s funeral, my best friend’s engagement, the presidential election, the announcement of my sister as homecoming queen, the list continues…

Perhaps I believe this only because it makes me feel better, or maybe I only buy into the idea because it is what I have been fed my entire life, but the fact-of-the-matter is that I do believe there is a divine order to everything. I missed out on certain things for a reason; I saw beautiful things for a different reason. I am at a low point right now because I need to grow.

What is the price of a once-in-a-lifetime experience? For me, it cost me a job, comfortable living, thousands of dollars in debt, and a few pinnacle events. It cost financial stability and certain feelings of independence. Although it is tough to say on some days, I will go ahead and state that it was worth that price. I have one life to live; one life to live where every decision affects every other decision made afterwards. Whether I like it or not, the ripple effect does exist, and I am convinced I cannot afford to allow anxiety or resentment to govern how I approach the world.